Satirical(?) Fix for Global Warming

We are inundated with news constantly that we are all going to die, or at least our progeny, in the not too distant future as a result of the man-made Global  Warming.   We are assured that the science is solid and there is no dispute about the conclusion.  Of course data is a hard thing to ignore–pro or con.  The oceans will rise due to the melting of the icecaps on the land masses around the world we are told.  The rise in sea levels will flood major portions of the populated world we are told.  Starvation, ruin and civil unrest await us all.  Some even preach the oceans will rise because of the melting ice sheets in the artic and Antartic regions.   Those in fairness are the commentators on MSNBC who over look some basic physics.  Those ice sheets are already in the water and their conversion to liquid water rather than frozen water will not add to the volume in the oceans.  It is already there.  Just as the level in a glass of ice tea does not rise as the ice cubes melt neither will the oceans rise from them.  But I divert myself.   The point is we are advised that the world faces imminent doom from Global Warming.  So let’s assume those Al Gores of the world are completely correct.  I think I have the perfect solution to the problem and it w0uld take less than a generation to restore  old mother earth to health.   I can’t believe all those wise men haven’t already thought of it themselves.  Those scientists around the world who believe there is some question about the cause of any warming should be ignored.  They didn’t get the memo obviously or else they would be onboard with the Sierra Club and Greenpeace. 

You recall that it was only a short time ago that the threat of the day was of an impending ice age.   It was all the rage only about 20 or 30 years ago.  We were going to freeze to death.  Those prognosticators were wrong.  They weren’t in Gore’s class at Yale or they would have known better.  There were several scenarios offered about how that ice age would be triggered.  Some proffered that it would be due to carbon emissions.  Hmm, well, anyway since they didn’t like those results they merely changed the target and now it is Global Warming.   The scariest scenario for an immediate ice age was what was called the Nuclear Winter.   During the Cold War there was much study made of the effects of the use of nuclear weapons on the earth.  It was postulated that the explosion of numerous nuclear weapons during a conflict would spew tremendous amounts of debris into the earth’s atmosphere and produce a “cloud” cover that woulde block the warming effects of the Sun.   We would all freeze to death and it would take only a matter of months for this process to begin.  This theory was put forward by similar left wing groups who were strongly anti-American and viewed the US as the world’s greatest villain on the world stage.  These predictions went on during the Reagan years.  He was too bellicous they said and would take the world to war with the Soviets and the Nuclear Winter would be the result and thus there would be no winners in any such conflict.  This theory had serious play in the press of the day and was touted by many a Noble prize winner.   I say we should make lemonade out of the lemons.

Let’s have a world wide self-induced Nuclear Winter.  We get with all the other nuclear powers of the world, Britain, France, Israel, Pakistan, India, Russia, Ukraine, Iran (?), North Korea (?), and South Africa (?) and work out an agreement to set off the bombs and create the Nuclear Winter.  That would put the kaboosh to the Global Warming efffects immediately and we could all sleep easier.   I know there are a few details to work out.  How hard could it be though?  We would select all those wasted spaces on the planet.   We could start with Antartica.  You weren’t planning a vacation there anyway and it won’t support crops.  Then we could use some of those worthless millions of square miles in the Sahara.   The Australian outback is another perfect locale for detonation.  The Aussies might need a little persuasion but they are enlightened and would no doubt come around because it is for the greater good of mankind.   Siberia doesn’t have any major areas loaded with people and is another great place to save the world.   Once we got the ball rolling I am sure others would volunteer plenty of space.  There are great swaths of unused land in the Iranian and Aftganistan areas that could be contributed.   We could have a sort of Kyoto style summit to hammer out the details.  We were told back when it would only take less than a hundred of the thousands of bombs in existence to cause the Nuclear Winter so we have ample stocks but we need to hurry before those peaceniks cleanse us of all our weapons and we lose this option.  

Just think about it.  The ice caps and ice sheets would actually increase in size and the ocean levels would fall, not rise.  Think of all the new beach front properties that could be brought to market.  It would stir economic growth around the world.  Merely building all those new condos in Florida and Dubai would employ thousands.  The dust from the Nuclear Winter would be completley cleared in a few years.  Even the alarmist of the past agreed on that point.  But that settling would also clear out the excess carbon.  Likewise think about all those cows that emit methane gasses into the atmosphere.  We could get rid of most of them in a few years and we could  become vegetarians which would be good for most of us anyway.  Who really needs a juicy T-bone steak?   The nasty tobacco industry would be gone overnight.  We would figure out how to make up the lost revenues from the cigarette lawsuit settlements going to the States.

I admit that there would be some collateral damage.  But compared to the death sentence for the entire world we are facing with Global Warming, it would be worth it.  Man must survive.   We stock up on can goods and bottled water and candles.  After about six months we could resume our normal activities.  Ok, I admit there would need to be a few changes.  Gore could be elected as the envoirnment Czar for the entire world.  Maybe that would finally be a stage big enough to hold his ego.  The reduction in population would reduce the carbon footprint of man by an exponential factor.   Nuclear Winter is not the problem, it is the solution!   I urge you to join the movement now.  Be reliant and start your own nuclear fallout shelter now before the rush to Home Depot.   As a side benefit we wouldn’t have to worry about the economy or financial crisis or whether our Secretary of the Treasurer knows how to pay his taxes.   I promise with this program tax rates would fall and we wouldn’t have to worry about inflation or stimulating the economy or Madoff or Barney Frank.

Don’t forget your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day.  Order flowers.  And if you want some personal attention, then I advise you try something unique and have a conversation with her.

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Filed under Economics, Environment, Global Warming, history, Mother Nature

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